Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Real House Wines.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*