people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: