Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good Morning.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

is this meant to deter me

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?