girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
i can’t wait that long
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.