Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving