Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Dune (2021)

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Cardio Made Easy

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.