[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*