Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Not today

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]