Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.