girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
