Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared