Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?