Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!