Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”