Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*