Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
couldn’t resist
