Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
this is me
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!