[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.