Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
You Might Also Like
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Worst Native American name ever.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?