Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter