Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot