Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.