BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.