me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
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ACED my prostate exam!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
-Me, on a Tuesday
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real