@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

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@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

@Browtweaten

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

@CelebrityChez

I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.

@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

@eff_yeah_steph

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

@EmmyStar79

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real