Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.