Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Anarchy

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Do not levitate over flowers

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.