Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?