Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.