girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
