girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor