Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
You Might Also Like
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Why font matters.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat