Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…