Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Autocorrect completely socks

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.