Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
This made me smile…
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight