Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Krampus.

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”