Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

October 31

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?