Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”

Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”

Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am