Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

OH. COME. ON.

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?