Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble

ME: that’s ridictacular

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.