Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Facebook memories be like

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.