Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh