Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.