Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.