Girl, same.
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues