Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

The Onion called it…again.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

The fall of Netflix

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”