Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.