Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

My life coach traded me.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke