Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

ㅤ

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it

My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t

Me: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

“You want me to do what?!”🤣