Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam