Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know