Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are