Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

What my back needs

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Hmmmmm

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?