@scrappy_momma: Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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@Smethanie: Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one's ever said "because it's my ex's Twitter handle" before.
@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me COP: No he's not M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
@jctwritesstuff: [First day as pirate] *sword tip pokes me in back* *sighs* *walks plank* Me: Whatever, y'all are out of rum anyway. Him: You drank it all!
@TheRealRHB: Doctor: Any cancer in the family? Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I'll have to check on everyone else. Doc: ...