Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.