Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

Oh no

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Sounds like a bargain

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.