Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

😂😂😂

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”