Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.