Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I’m dying louder than usual today.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!