Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

When you put it that way… 😂

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs