Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

ㅤ

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Match dot com, but for socks.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.