Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

Meow

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.