My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
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That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND