girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
#SaturdayBears
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.