Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.