Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

If snakes were wide

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.