Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
craving $300 all of a sudden
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”