Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

scrabbled eggs

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

dead inside

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell