Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

dril cadence

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for