Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

😂😂😂

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time