@SirEviscerate

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

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@SomthinBoutSara

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@suzannemariedo

[funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

@HispanicIcon

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

@kwirkyKerri

Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.

@3sunzzz

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

@BoogTweets

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.