GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove


TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.



Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite


Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.


Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.


I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.


Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.