Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Encore…

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

I have no passwords left in me

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

My current situation

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.